Saturday, March 26, 2011

Color Me Blue

For any of you reading this who really know me, you know that I very rarely get depressed or down. That is not who I am.  However, once a year I get a little blue.  At this time of year, I feel like I am all alone, and no one out there really knows how I am feeling.  After all, I don't know anyone else who has gone through exactly what I have.  I am not seeking sympathy.  Perhaps a few nods of understanding, or a few whispered prayers.  I don't see this situation ever changing after all these years, but I do believe anything is possible.






For those of you who do not know me, let me tell you a little story in pictures:




Once upon a time

I had a son

Until he was 14



















I will not go into details except to say that in 1985 he moved in with his father and to this day, we do not speak- and it is not by my choosing.  Tomorrow is his birthday.  He will be turning 40. I had always hoped that he would have a change of heart far before this time.  I can't help but to feel that he just doesn't care.
After all:
  And since he chooses to ignore any and all of my attempts to contact him through the years, I have no other recourse than to believe that my feelings are correct.


I will never stop loving him, and I will continue to pray for him and his family each and every day.  Regardless of how long it takes, I will be here waiting.

In the mean time, there is always a slight chance he could stumble upon this blog after seeing it on his sister's page.  So, therefore:


 and remember:





Do any of you have deep emotional things in your life that either helps or hinders you in your writing?  At times like this, I find it almost impossible to write anything, so I will concentrate instead on editing.
And here is my wish for all of you today:


As always, thanks for reading.





Mother and Child statues from:


28 comments:

  1. Sharon,
    I am not usually the type to pray, but as your short blog has shown me, you've been through some harsh situations with your son;you need someone to pray for you. Pain is a sign of needing support and love and that something happened once a time ago. I'll pray for you. I hope you and your son have a reunion that is a positive one. Keep praying for him and his family, keep on striving as the writer you are, and surround yourself with the ones you love.
    19825-2011 is a long time to go without speaking to someone you love dearly. I lost someone myself, not a son, but someone quite close. I know how it feels to lose someone, but your pain is different. It's within yourself, because he came from you. Again, i shall pray for you. I admire your strength through all the years. Hope the rest of your weekend goes well.

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  2. Dear Anonymous, Thanks for your kind words. (wish I knew who you were)
    And thanks also for your prayers.
    Sharon :)

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  3. What a tough thing to go through! I know the pain of birthdays and anniversaries of tragedy. I lost my brother to suicide almost thirty years ago this month and on that day, the pain always rushes back as if it happened last week. I keep hanging onto the old saw that "what doesn't kill us makes us stronger."

    Your son has probably frozen that part of his soul and doesn't want to re-examine it. Maybe something will happen to thaw it. I will pray that it does. For his sake as well as yours.

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  4. Hi Sharon,

    I'm sorry to hear about your situation with your son. The visuals you used to tell your story were profound...and heartbreaking. I am in the reverse situation: I haven't spoken to my father for fifteen years. The difference is that I know, for certain, that he no longer want me in his life. I am fortunate that my step-dad has been a father figure for me since age seven.
    It has helped my writing in that if I need to go to a dark, emotional place with my characters, I have something real to draw from. You can use your sadness and turn it into something beautiful.

    I hope the situation changes for you. Don't give up! I wish I could hug you.

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  6. Oh Mommy...here I sit reading your words and feeling pain because you are hurting. As soon as I began to read I got teary, then I saw the images and couldn't hold it in. I'm now wiping away the tears and wishing you weren't an hour away so I could hug you! I know there is nothing I can do or say to comfort you that will erase the pain. All I can do is remind you that you are one of the MOST important people in my life, the bestest mommy in the whole wide world and that I couldn't bear it if you weren't in my life. I'm so thankful and grateful for you, for all you do, for all you say and for who you are. You are so loved. (and now I want to call my brother and yell at him) I'm gonna go cry it out because my breath keeps catching in my chest picturing your sad face...and then I'm gonna call you and chat.
    I LOVE YOU! xoxoxo

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  7. ahaa! I figured out how to log in with google and post comment as me ;)

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  8. Oh Grandmother... i wish i could correct your pain and make your blue turn purple, or strawberry :) i miss you and i agree with momma. if you weren't an hour away, i'd hug you right now... soo.... **air hugs** :D

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  9. Anne:On days like this, it's hard not to think about all those incidents in life that "make us stronger" and yet, sometimes one wonders why it has to be so hard. I have also felt the sting of a friend's suicide and still wonder why...and the loss of a best friend to cancer...Thanks for your prayers, Anne.

    Lisa: I can't, and never will, understand a parent deliberately ignoring a child. Your father is missing out on a wonderful relationship...I hardly know you and I can see you are so special. I'm glad you found the love you needed from your step-dad. Not everyone is so fortunate in life! And you are right. I need to dig into these sad feelings and use them for my writing. As a matter of fact, I was thinking of that just the other day. I believe I understand why, in every one of my books, so far, I always have a set of twins. (my son has twin daughters who don't even know me) It's probably been a subconscious thing...
    Thanks for all your kind words. And I'll take that hug any time. :)

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  10. Brandi: Thanks daughter...I love you too. I just remember dad's words so clearly..."He'll come around" and here it is 25 years later...

    Rachael: Your smile is enough to make me unblue!
    xoxo I love you!

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  11. This is just so incredibly heartbreaking I really can not find the right words to express my sadness for you except to simply say my heart goes out to you and you are very brave to have shared this most personal part of your life with us.
    God's speed.
    DiAnne

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  12. DiAnne,
    Thanks for your kind words. My original intention was for this blog to be mainly about my writing life, but there was nothing else on my mind today...
    Sharon :)

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  13. Dear Sharon,
    What you wrote is so beautiful! I'm so sorry for your loss. The lack of communication is incredibly difficult for any one who loves another. True - it makes one think the other doesn't care. Maybe someone doesn't know how to begin. Maybe the self-focus factor is so great that there is a lack of empathy. Breathe in the air around you, lavender helps. I am sending you prayers. Time goes by so quickly, some kids don't get it. I feel sad for the person who misses knowing how great your love, a mother's love, can be. Know you are loved. NR

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  14. Hi Sharon. I really don't know what to say because no amount of words can comfort someone who feels depressed (maybe I understand what you feel because I just recovered from clinical depression). But here's something that helped me get through -- a big cyberhug for you...

    ** HUG **
    I hope this will make you feel better

    ~Irene~

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  15. Dear Anonymous NR (Nina) I understand what you are saying about the self-focus factor...I'm pretty sure that is the main problem...refusing to forgive. I just never thought it would go on this long...

    Dear Irene: Thanks for the cyber hug! :)

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  16. There are no words to express what I wish I could say, so a cyber-hug will have to suffice. ~hug~

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  17. Thanks for the cyber-hug, Angie. :)

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  18. Oh, Sharon, that breaks my heart! I know how hard that must be on you as a mother.
    I will pray for you and your son.

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  19. You are so brave to share your heartache in this way -- and yes, I do believe our heartaches and our joys can make us better writers. I will pray for you and your family.

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  20. Jennifer and Pam
    Thank you for your prayers!

    Sharon :)

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  21. What a heartbreaking post to read, but I am so very glad that you wrote it. So many other people go through similar and completely unnecessary estrangements. So much time is wasted for everyone, even for those who don't yet realize what they are missing.

    I understand everything that you wrote so well. I'm glad you put it out there. I'm glad you put up the beautiful images because that makes it easier for everyone who shares your pain to visualize your situation and see happier images in your future.

    I truly hope that you and your son will see one another one day soon.

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  22. Lisette: Thanks for your kind words. I've already promised everyone that my next blog will be much lighter!
    Sharon :)

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  23. bawling my eyes out. i tried to read some aloud to adam and i couldn't. :( :( :( why did i not know you guys didn't talk? i have him as a friend on my fb, altho we haven't 'spoken' really except only a 'hello'. aw auntie, i'm sorry you're sad. i love you. you're such a great mom, and i wish and pray he'd come around. i hope that day will still come. i love you.

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  24. Aww, Heidi, I thought you knew. Your mom does...
    I tried to add him on my FB a long time ago...and he never responded. :(
    Through the years, I've tried everything, and after a million rejections, one tends to give up. I really DO pray for him and his family every day, and I've got to believe that eventually the LORD will get through to him.

    I had a dream last week, (before his b-day) that his girls DID know me, and we were all hugging and laughing. :(
    Thanks for your sweet words, Heidi. I love you too!
    Auntie S

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  25. :(

    i'm so sorry. all we can do is hope that it all changes for the better, sooner than later. xo

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  26. Another Big Cyber Hug. I use a Nursey Rhyme when my Adult Children seem way too busy for.me. It is small compared to the pain you are.going through after so many years of no communication. " Little Bo Peep has lost her sheep, and doesn't know where to find them. Leave them alone and.they'll come home wagging their tails behind thrm. " Mother Goose. Honey ...A mother and Son's bond is difficult to express. He WILL " come home " ...As he ages some ...Losses something, or someone ...and needs his Mother's unconditional love. Rest in that Faith. Believe in it...God hears your prayers and knows a big peice of your heart is missing. Much Love and Understanding ..~ Saura Mounce

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  27. Today is September 20,2016 your happy birthday son picture led me to your site.Today is my sons birthday he is 22 I am unable to tell him Happy Birthday he is serving a small time in a Texas state prison, this is our first time around with all of this and no matter how short the sentence it seems like forever to me, he is my son forever my baby, your story touched me and I just wanted you to know so,I don't know if you have reconnected with your son or not but I will pray for you and for a reconciliation,momma to momma I know how your heart must ache

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    Replies
    1. Thank you for your kind words.
      Perhaps there is a way you can get a birthday card to your son. If you ask at the prison, they will give you the rules and let you know how.
      Best wishes to you and your family.
      Sharon

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